


The Art of Second Thoughts

by Splivy



Series: Dawn of Gold [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Loki POV, Loki is a mess, M/M, Steve POV, Steve is trying, finally a Loki POV, steve just wants to find Thor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:49:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splivy/pseuds/Splivy
Summary: Steve wants to find Thor. Loki does too. But he starts to have second thoughts, urging on some vicious behavior.Also, Loki finally leaves the apartment.





	The Art of Second Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao, sorry it’s been too long
> 
> Here ya go!

It has been three days since Steve was inspired to go find Loki’s brother. Steve thought it was going to involve leaving the apartment, but according to Loki, if he retrained his magic, so to speak, then he could communicate with him via magical link. 

So that’s what they had been doing. Loki would work himself into exhaustion trying to use magic that just wasn’t there at the moment, and Steve would be there to catch him when he began to sway. 

Steve suggested to start with something little, something simple. Like, levitation, he had said. Loki had went on about how it wasn’t technically levitation, but he allowed Steve to keep calling it that because it was the only way the captain understood. 

Steve would use glasses from the kitchen cabinets for Loki to attempt his working, as Loki called it, and sometimes Loki would push too hard, and the glass would shatter. 

Loki would get frustrated, a look of hopeless spreading his features and body language. Steve was there to tell him it was okay, and that it took time. Loki didn’t look convinced. 

By the third day, Loki was exhausted. Steve wondered if he’d slept. 

Probably not...

Loki wanted to find Thor. Steve could see that clearly. But there was something eating at Loki that the captain couldn’t put his finger on. 

He figured now wasn’t the time to ask.

Loki still wasn’t doing very well in dealing with his death either. He continued to flinch at every little sound, but he allowed Steve to get close, which was an improvement. Before, Loki would tense or become feral all together. 

Steve was still trying to convince Loki to leave the apartment, but every time he brought up the subject Loki would shut down and dismiss the idea. But Steve wouldn’t give up. How did Loki expect to go to Thor if he couldn’t even go out for clothes or food? 

He thought about bringing that logic up to Loki, but reconsidered. Maybe later. 

It was strange to admit, but he and Loki had gotten... closer the past couple of days. Ever since Loki opened up a bit, Steve felt like maybe the god trusted him a little more. Which was good. Steve didn’t need to act as cautious around him, however he still had to be careful with how spoke and worded things. 

It was hard, sometimes. Being so picky with what he said, and most of the time getting it wrong. It could almost be frustrating, but he understood. A traumatized god was a difficult task to undergo. 

Right now, Loki was attempting to focus his magic, and really it just looked like he was meditating. Steve sat on the couch while Loki placed himself on the floor, Indian style. His eyes were closed, and Steve noticed how he breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. 

He wondered if Loki was getting anywhere, but there was no way to tell. At this point, Loki wasn’t responding. 

He waited patiently, and the more he waited, the more he could tell how tired Loki was becoming. His posture began to fall, and sweat began to coat his skin. His eyes were tight with pain, but Loki continued. 

Steve wondered if he should pull him out of it, but then thought about how it could damage Loki somehow, and decided against it. 

After a while, Loki fell out, leaning his weight forward as if in pain, arms at his middle, gasping for breath. Steve came to him then, hands on his shoulders. “Loki,” he said, concerned. 

“Fine,” Loki’s voice trembled. “I’m fine.”

Steve grabbed a glass of water he had kept on standby and offered it to him. Loki obliged, downing it with loud, greedy gulps. 

“You okay?”

Loki nodded, leaning back, his breathing becoming more steady. “I’m fine, just... I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” Steve consoled. “It takes time, Loki. You have to give this time.”

“We don’t have time,” Loki exclaimed. 

Steve’s heart wrenched a little at the desperation in Loki’s voice. “Why don’t we take a break? Maybe sleep for a while?”

Loki shook his head feverishly at that. 

Steve sighed. “Loki, come on. You need to sleep. You’ll never be able to fix your magic if you don’t allow yourself rest.”

Something clicked in Loki then, and Steve thought ‘finally’ he’d gotten through to him. The god inhaled, and exhaled slowly. “Okay,” he said. “I will rest, but only for a moment.”

Steve nodded. “That’s all I’m asking.”

Steve helped Loki to the couch. Even though Loki tried to put up a strong front, his stumbling was evident enough. He was exhausted, and to be honest, so was Steve. 

He’d been so preoccupied with getting Loki to rest that he hadn’t allowed respite for himself. 

Once Loki was settled on the couch, Steve went to get him a blanket, but Loki refused, saying he was warm. So he let himself use it, and placed himself of the armchair. 

Loki’s eyes were closed, but Steve highly doubted he was asleep. Or if he ever would sleep again. 

Truly, it was frustrating. Loki refused to allow himself to rest, or sleep, or just sit down with a glass of water for heavens sake. He was pushing himself past his limit, and Steve could see that. But Loki wouldn’t stop. Not until he found his brother. 

Steve couldn’t argue with that.

...

Steve didn’t think Loki would fall asleep. But it turns out he did. 

Steve only knows this because he himself was woken by Loki’s cry as he shot up from the couch.

The captain jumped up, seeing Loki pretty much hyperventilating, face shiny with sweat. His eyes looked frantic, as if he maybe he was still stuck in his dream. Which it’s possible he was.

Steve went to him then, his hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him down, to show him he wasn’t stuck wherever it was he thought he was stuck at, but Loki was pushing at his arms. 

“Loki, hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.”

Loki looked at Steve then, and Steve’s heart clenched at the look of pure fear in Loki’s eyes. But at the same time he saw recognition there.

“Yes, it’s me. Loki, you’re safe.” 

Slowly, painfully slowly, Loki started to go from short, gasping inhales to longer, drawn out breaths. He squeezed his eyes shut, seemingly concentrating on trying to ease his nerves and anxiety. Steve saw Loki’s hand rise up to his throat, as if checking to see if his neck was still broken. Steve’s chest clenched again. 

It took a while, but finally Loki was breathing at a normal rate, and the sweat began to dissipate. Steve couldn’t help but notice that his hand was still holding onto his throat. 

“You okay,” Steve asked. 

Loki pulled his knees up to his chest, nodding slightly. 

Okay, so maybe that was a stupid question on Steve’s end. But he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. 

“Can I get you some water?”

Loki didn’t reply, so Steve headed to kitchen to get him a glass anyway. When he came back, water in hand, Loki’s fingers were making rubbing gestures on the skin of his neck. Steve held out the drink, and Loki distantly took it with his free hand. 

Steve took a seat next to the god, not sure what to say or do. He figured this might work: “do you wanna talk about it?”

Loki’s breath caught, and he seemed to be genuinely contemplating it. But in the end, he shook his head. 

Steve wasn’t backing down. Loki had been here for almost two weeks. He had to start somewhere. “It might help.”

“You keep saying that,” Loki murmured. “But I really don’t think it will.”

Steve was at least having a conversation now. He saw no reason to stop. “Why do you say that?”

Loki sighed, finally removing his free hand from his neck, grasping the glass of water with both hands now. “I don’t want to remember it.”

“You mean relive it,” Steve took a chance. 

It seemed to work.

Loki’s fingers gripped the glass so hard now, his knuckles were white. “Does it please you,” he sneered.

That took Steve off guard. He frowned, slightly hurt. “What?”

“Does it please you to see your enemy broken so?” Steve heard his voice trembling, but it was all said with such hatred, Steve felt like they were suddenly back tracking.

“No,” he said. “No, of course not. And you’re not my enemy, Loki, I thought that was clear at this point.”

Loki scoffed viciously. “No? Then what am I?”

Steve shook his head, frowning. “Loki, what are you doing?”

He saw a smirk spread across the god’s features. “Come now, Captain. We know I’m nothing here, you’re simply waiting for the right moment to toss me out.”

Steve stood up then, anger spiking. “What? No,” he blanched. “Loki, I don’t know what you’re playing at, if you think picking a fight with me will be easier, but I guess I can try to reassure you,” his words rolled out of him so easily, he wondered if maybe he’d taken it too far. Too late. “You’re not my enemy, Loki, you’re a matter of doing what’s right.”

Loki laughed, setting his glass down on the table. “Oh, so I am duty to you then.”

“Stop twisting my words,” he tried.

“I twist nothing, I speak the truth.”

“No, Loki, stop.” He didn’t think Loki would, but he did. “Dammit, Loki. Stop making this harder than it needs to be. You’re not my enemy, and you’re not my duty. Somewhere, along the way, you became my friend.”

At that Loki’s irritated look fell. “Pardon?”

Steve was heaving with frustration. “You’re my friend, Loki. I care about you. You’ve been here nearly two weeks now, we were bound to form some sort of friendship,” but still that word felt wrong. It felt like... something more. Or it could be. “I care about you. I want you to be... better, and happy. And I’m sorry if that’s completely bazaar to you, but it’s not to me. I believe people can change, and you’re certainly not the same man I fought in Germany. Stop picking a fight, stop twisting my words, and stop making yourself worthless somehow.”

Silence ensued. The only sounds heard were that of Steve’s exasperated breathing. 

Steve looked down at Loki then on the couch, studying the look on the face. And Steve saw something pretty close to regret. He sighed, sitting back down next to him. “Look, I’m sorry I got mad.”

“No,” Loki interrupted, all terse behavior seeming to have melted out of him. “I apologize. I should not have been so short. It was churlish of me.”

Steve was surprised that Loki actually apologized. He wasn’t expecting it. “Oh,” he said. “Well, I accept your apology. Just... picking fights with me won’t make this any easier. I know you’re struggling, Loki. I just want to help.”

Loki nodded, and Steve could see he was a little ashamed. Steve took another leap. “Why don’t we leave the apartment? Go shopping maybe, for some things for you to wear, something you get to pick out?”

Loki tensed slightly at the suggestion, but he didn’t lash out like before, so he figured that was a good sign. Finally, Loki said, “alright,” though it was spoken with trepidation. 

Steve stood up, offering his hand for Loki to take. He smiled. “Come on, let’s get cleaned up.”

Steve couldn’t help but notice the slight blush tint Loki’s cheeks. Loki took the offered the hand, and stood up.

...

Loki couldn’t help but feel guilty at his childish outburst. Steve had been nothing but kind to him, and Loki returned anything but. Even now, Steve was taking him out to buy him clothes that he could choose and wear. 

It was a strange way to think, but Loki felt like this, choosing clothes, something that was his, that was his own, would bring about a new sense of healing for himself. Thanos had taken... everything from him. Ever since he let go of that staff all those years ago and fell into his hands, he’d never felt right, never felt like he was truly himself.

But having this opportunity that Steve was offering him was a stepping stone to Loki gaining a sense of himself back. 

However, he would never feel perfect again. He knew this. He’d known this since he was sent to gather the Tesseract from Earth. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew he was nothing but a pawn, a good dog sent to fetch the bone thrown from him. But he also knew if he didn’t, well... he didn’t want to think about it.

He remembered Thor asking him, who controls the would be king. He almost regrets never telling him. Maybe they could have prevented Thanos, or gained themselves and the universe more time. But... no, Loki knew once Thanos set his mind to something, he wouldn’t stop. 

The thought of Thor tore at his heart. He can still hear Thor’s screams as Thanos nearly ripped his mind to shreds. 

He felt guilty, almost, at being grateful he couldn’t hear Thor in his moments before death, grateful he couldn’t see him. The only thing he can remember is blood rushing in his ears, stars appearing in his line of sight, bone snapping-

He took a deep breath, looking through a rack of sweatpants at a nearby retail store, Steve was checking a T-shirt rack next to him. 

He could see his hands gripping the material of fabric, and he took a deep breath to relax himself. 

It pained him more than anything to admit, more than Thanos depriving him of air, but maybe he shouldn’t seek out Thor just yet. He still wasn’t whole, he wasn’t right. He didn’t want... this Loki to be the Loki his brother is reunited with. 

But he wanted to see him, and hear his voice, and more than anything, he wanted to apologize. Apologize that he had to sit there and watch Thanos kill his brother. 

However, Loki does not regret it. He would do it again, if he had to. 

“Hey,” Steve’s voice made Loki jump, and he knew Steve noticed, but bless him for not questioning it. He was holding a few shirts, handing them to Loki. “I found these, I think you might like them.”

Steve was smiling, and Loki couldn’t help but smile too. He accepted the arrangement of garments. He saw many of them were mainly green and black. 

They were all a size small, but when Loki went to try them on in what Steve identified as a dressing room, he saw how gaunt and thin he really was. The shirts hung off him as if they were three whole sizes larger. His skin was pale white against the black fabric, and the dark circles under his eyes complemented the shirt. 

He sighed, accepting that these would have to do. 

Steve ended up buying him five shirts and four pairs of pants, most of them joggers or sweats. 

For some reason, Loki didn’t feel as triumphant as he thought he might.

...

Steve noticed Loki’s attitude change after his argument with him. And it didn’t change necessarily for the better. If Loki was melancholy before, he was as if he were dead now. He thought getting Loki out and choosing clothes that he liked would make him feel better, but Steve was picking most of it, and he was suspiciously quiet through it. 

He seemed tense, and tired, and frightened all at once and Steve just wanted to make it better. He couldn’t understand it. He wanted Loki to be better, to be happy, to be at peace. It seemed like after everything, he almost deserved it. 

It was strange. To be saying Loki deserved happiness after what he’d done, but he’d saved Thor’s life, he saved his brothers life by sacrificing his own neck... literally. 

When they got home, Steve helped Loki put his clothes in a corner of Steve’s closet that was reserved for him. He saw Loki smile a small smile, but it was strained. And after living with Loki for about half a month, he could tell when his smile was real and forced. And he much preferred a real one. 

Now, they were in the kitchen, trying to decide what to have for dinner. Loki was leaning against the counter, arms crossed over his chest, seeming to be deep in thought. 

Steve just continued to look through the fridge and pantry for something they could eat. He saw some noodles he could put in the pot. 

“Does noodles sound okay,” he asked. 

Loki just nodded, looking back down. 

Alright, Steve thought. “What’s wrong?”

Loki blinked, turning his gaze to the captain. “Pardon?”

“I can tell when something is wrong, Loki. Are you still embarrassed about earlier? You don’t need to be.”

The god shook his head, pulling his arms around him tighter, as if protecting himself. “I’m fine,” he mumbled.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Loki,” he exhaled. “Tell me.”

Loki contemplated, and Steve saw him make a decision. When Loki opened his mouth, Steve knew what the decision was. “Maybe we shouldn’t look for Thor.”

Steve was taken aback. That he wasn’t expecting. “What, why?” Loki just shrugged, but Steve knew he had a reasoning. “Loki, why don’t you want to find Thor?”

He saw Loki bite his lip, and then lick them, as if preparing himself to share something vital. “I’m not... I don’t think I can.”

Steve blinked. “Huh?”

Loki sighed. “I don’t want to be what he sees.”

“I don’t understand,” the captain said. 

Loki took in a deep breath. “I’m not... whole. I don’t want this Loki to be the one he is reunited with...”

Realization hit Steve like a bus. “I see,” he whispered. He grabbed Loki’s hands from his chest, and pulled him into the living room, sitting him down. Steve blushed at his bewildered look the whole time. 

“What are you doing,” Loki asked, eyeing him. 

Steve sat next to him. “Obviously, I don’t think we should keep Thor in the dark. I don’t know if you could see him, or hear him, or whatever, after your death,” Loki flinched. “But he was full of vengeance. He was... miserable.”

Loki nodded, swallowing. “I know,” he said, remembering clearly, he and Frigga watching from the clouds. But then he was torn away from that peace, and now here he was. 

“Oh,” Steve mumbled. “Well, then I think we need to find him. He needs reassurance.”

Loki shook his head. “I cannot give him the reassurance he is looking for. At least... not yet.”

Steve huffed, but understood. “Okay,” he said. “What do you want to do? You want to wait?”

Loki shrugged. “I don’t know, Steve,” he whispered, and he heard his voice tremble. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Steve felt something pull at his heart. “It’s okay, Loki. I don’t think we need to keep this from Thor, but... if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”

Loki put his face in his hands. “I am cruel.”

“No,” Steve shook his head. “You’re just... exhausted, afraid, angry. You’re a lot of things Loki, but cruel isn’t one of them. At least not anymore,” he added with a smile. 

Loki puffed a laugh. He looked at Steve. “You’re too kind, captain.”

Heat flared on his cheeks, and he smiled. “I’m just doing my best.”

“Modest as well, I see,” Loki purred, smirking. 

“Ha,” was all Steve did. 

It was strange, very strange, but maybe it was good.


End file.
